Im writing a novel~

[おぎくも]

As some of you might have noticed ive gotten real into novels lately so i thought i would write my own~
idk if the spam section is where im supposed to post this but this is where i feel most comfortable so its like w/e
the reason im making this thread is for both feedback and for ideas~ also if i have a thread up here i thought that maybe it would help me stick with it till the end i only have like 3 or 4 pages right now but i figure ill post more every now and then~ heres what ive got so far and explanations are with it so yea

Spoiler: novel~

Umm harro minna-san this is a practice novel just to see how im able to do at it~ for now ill just go for a somewhat cliché story with elements making it possible to turn into a battle type~ (I just like main chars to have powah~ lol) since this is the first time ive ever seriously done something like this plz forgive me for not capping some letters or accidently using net phrases such as rofl and such should I do so~ and so heres the story backdrop or w/e you call it and ill be using jap names btw
Kazuto is a somewhat cryptic but otherwise an average person who lives an average life until one day he kills his first crush who first tried to kill him after saying that if she didn’t he would become the demon lord…uhh I don’t think im too good at summaries >.> so ill just start and let you see for yourself









In my dreams I see a kingdom.
It is a very beautiful kingdom. But at the same time this kingdom frightens me. After all I can see what it truly is. I can see the despair and regret that fills it and chains it in place.

So why?

Why, despite that, does it look so beautiful?












CH.1 The first bad end

As I open my eyes the sunlight greets me with vigor.
Too much vigor in my opinion. No, seriously sun go back down I still want to sleep.
I pull the covers over my head and close my eyes but it seems fate is cruel as just then the door to my room suddenly starts emitting enough vibrations to cause my eardrums to bleed.

“ONII-CHAN WAKE UP!!!”

I cover my ears along with my eyes and try to ignore it knowing that its futile.

“Onii-chan~ wake up~ if you don’t wake up i’ll eat all your breakfast~…actually please don’t wake up I want to eat your breakfast”

Damn glutton.
knowing that the alternative is just a day full of hunger I drowsily lift myself from my bed and head for the door and open it.
I’ve always worn my clothes to bed so there was no need to get dressed.
Standing outside the door was an annoying girl very short for her age by the name of Mayumi.
She is 14 years old with short, brown hair and a small ponytail and is wearing a light blue skirt and pink hoodie as, unlike the high school section, the middle school section of our school doesn’t enforce the use of uniforms.

“…I’ll be down in a bit so leave my food alone”
“Ehh…”

My sister lets out a groan with a face that says she wished I had died in my sleep so she could get more to eat.
Why is this thing my sister?

“Fine…but can I have your toast?” She asks as if actually expecting me to say yes.
“No”
“Uu…”

After having her hopes crushed my sister mopes her way back down the stairs towards the dining room.
After closing the door I took a moment to clear my head.
As I look straight ahead at the room I see an uncovered window next to the bed I was just sleeping on.
I really need to buy some curtains for it but that would cost money and I’m stingy.
Next to the window is an old clock according to which it is 7:04 AM
The paint on the wall is grey and gives off a very melancholic feel.
On the right side of the room is a desk for when I do my studies and is covered in dust because I never use it.
After I cleared my drowsiness away I head to the closet situated on the left hand side of the room and open it.
On the back of both of the doors are mirrors.
Looking at them I see a 17 year old boy by the name of Kazuto who, now that I look, has some slight dark circles under his eyes and is wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt with short black hair swept somewhat to the right side.
As I look at the person in the mirror I cringe.
It’s not as though I hate myself or anything but for some reason that I’m not sure of my image just gives me a feeling of…restlessness?
It’s like suddenly having some truth shoved down your throat and not knowing what you’re supposed to do about it, if there is anything to do to begin with.
after averting my eyes from the form reflected in front of me I move my attention to the set of clothes filling the closet and shuffle through them until I get to my uniform for school and switch into it.
The uniform is black with gold colored trims and buttons and has a very fashionable look to it.
Honestly it’s a bit too showy for my tastes.
Once I’d finished getting dressed I followed the same route my sister took down to the dining room.
Inside was a middle aged man sitting at the table who gave a small smile as he saw me enter the room and the glutton who cares more for food than family.
The man was my uncle, Goudou and he is 34 years old.
He is wearing a light green kimono with a pattern of a dragon on it and it seems he has been patiently waiting for me to arrive before eating.
Seeing that it was me who held him up I feel a slight tinge of guilt for not getting up sooner as I sit down at the table opposite to my sister who, had it surely not been for my uncle stopping her would have done so, looked like she was about to dive head first into the food laid out on the table.
The room we were in was rather plain and of a relatively small size with a rectangular table in the center of it and mats on all sides
After I sat down we said our graces and started to eat.
The food is a simple plate of eggs with some toast at the side but that didn’t stop Mayumi from devouring it with such vigor that it seemed to be the most delicious food she had ever tasted.
Gotta hand it to her she enjoys her food.

“Uncle, how goes the book your writing now?” I ask as I start on my toast.
My uncle is a novelist who is actually quite a bit popular in some circles

“Ah yes its going quite well actually I think I’ll be able to finish sooner than expected!...is what I would like to say but actually it looks like I’m far behind schedule and my editor is starting to get persistent…” He said with a wry smile as he forked up some eggs from his plate
“Is that so…”
“Well don’t worry about it too much I’m sure I’ll catch up soon”
“yea” After that small exchange everyone focused on their meal

After we finished eating and put the plates away, me and Mayumi grabbed our bags and headed to the door to go to school.

“Ittekimasu~”
“Ittekimasu.”
“seeya”

Said Mayumi, I and Uncle respectively.
As we walked to school Mayumi talked quite a bit but 99% of it just went in one of my ears and out the other as I did simple acknowledgement’s of her words with an ‘uh huh’ or ‘yea’ until we reached the gates.
The school we go to, called (could use some naming ideas),was actually one of the 3 top school in the nation and ,while very happy that I am going to such a prestigious school, my uncle had mixed feelings about it as he believed I could have done even better had I tried.
The gates to the school were large and looked like the entrance to a large mansion.
The school itself was rather normal looking however it was quite large as it held, as I mentioned before, both a high school division and middle school division.
By the way the reason Mayumi was able to get into a school of this caliber despite being an idiot is because she studied till her eyes bled and then some.
The reason behind her nearly grotesque amount of determination was, of course, the fact that this school holds, what is in popular opinion, the best cafeteria of any school in the prefecture.
Amazing what lengths people will drive themselves to for some food, no let me correct that, its amazing how STUPID my sister is for only putting effort into such things.

“Its amazing how stupid you are to put such effort into getting into this school just for the food”
“How can you call me stupid right to my face all of a sudden!?” Mayumi yelled with tears in the corner of her eyes

Oh my it looks like I said that part out loud.
Ignoring my pitiful sisters cries I step through the school gates and head to the second floor of the school building where my class is located.
When I open the door to the classroom I’m greeted by my friend from middle school Tabuki Ikimura.

“Yo kazu~ just 5 more minutes and you would have been late man. Did you run into a hot office lady and just couldn’t pass up the chance?”
“I-idiot! Don’t bring that up!”
“You just couldn’t leave her alone could you...”
“Its not like anything actually happened so shut up about it people will get the wrong idea.”
“Aww look at you blush you actually look cute right now Kazu-tan~”
“…that sounds so creepy coming from you…”

The event that Tabuki is talking about happened two years ago when I was helping a drunk woman back to her home and, in her drunken state, mistook me for her boyfriend and came onto me.
I said no of course and then left her at her place.
That’s all that happened.
Really.

“Ohayo Izanagi-san I’m glad you made it on time.”

The one who just called my last name is a girl named Chihiro Chiri and is also the class president who I met during my first year at this school.
She has her hair tied in a bun and has her bangs trimmed so that they stop right above her eyes.
As she walks over she looks straight at me without averting her eyes.
Her straightforward personality used to make me nervous, but after being with her for a while ive gotten used to it.

“Oh? Well if it isn’t chili-chan~” Tabuki said in his usual over friendly tone.
“Don’t call me chili!” Chili-I mean Chiri-san- rebuked with a slight tinge of red on her cheeks.
“Haha don’t freak out so much~ having a nick’ like that shows friendship! Isn’t that something to be happy about?”
“If you’re friendship entails the use of such things then I can do without thank you.”
“How cruel!”

plz tell me if im doing something fundamentally wrong w/o realizing and uhh..i forgot what else i was gonna say so w/e and no bashing plz it will hurt my determination >.>

anyway thanks for the advice~

man looking back i dont got that much do i?
even tho it took so long just to write that little bit >.>

i added the character intros~ and some other details that i took notice of thanks to all of your advice~

it seems im a strange type of procrastinator since i delayed writing a novel by writing another one lol

Spoiler: zombies...which have yet to make an appearance lol

CH 1 JOEY DEVEDY


Hello everyone my name is Joey Devedy and it appears as though a zombie apocalypse has occurred.
I say it ‘Appears’ as such because I haven’t actually seen and confirmed it with my own eyes and, as such, don’t wish to jump to any hasty conclusions.
Still the phone call I got from my mother saying not to leave the house and the subsequent screams of terror such as ‘NOOO~!’ and ‘DON’T EAT ME!!!’ seem to be good evidence to come to such a conclusion even if she wasn’t able to explain before seemingly being…well you get the picture.
It may seem like I’m uncaring, talking about all this in such a casual way but make no mistake, I’m pretty much devastated right now.
Thanks to all this zombie crap and such the game I’ve been waiting for to come out next month is most definitely going to be cancelled after all.
Anyway all that doesn’t have much to do with me…yet at least.
So far my electricity is still running and although the TV doesn’t have any channels anymore I can still play my games on it.
Still I wish I could at least see outside since it would be kinda cool and funny to see all those people running around so uncharacteristically.
Unfortunately while I do have a window there is a building standing right next to it and, as such, only gives me a plain view of bricks.
That’s enough of the monologue I suppose, now let’s get to what’s happening right now.
At the moment the zombie apocalypse has been ongoing for 1 week, or more specifically, nine days.
I am currently sitting on my couch enjoying a recently heated TV dinner which is packed with chicken, asparagus, macaroni & cheese and mashed potatoes.
It tastes quite average.
After finishing my food I get up from the couch and throw away the now empty package.
…I’m kind of lost as to what to do to be honest.
I’ve gotten bored with the games I have now after getting 100% achievements in all of them and while the internet is still up, no doubt thanks to all the vigorous net surfers and hackers, all that’s really up right now are forums which I’ve never really had any interest in.
I had originally decided to stay here until my electricity went out and I ran out of food and had no choice but to leave but this boredom might just drive me out of here before that.
…Yeah I think I’ll go.
But where to?
…Guess I’ll just walk wherever.
After making up my mind I grab a backpack and start loading it with food and water.
Once I’m done packing I open the door and walk down the corridor leading to the elevator in order to go down to the entrance.
By the way the place I live in is an apartment complex with three stories.
My room is on the second floor and is the very last room down the corridor inside the building.

this one is more like a doodle in text format that is still ongoing you can give advice on it if you want but its mainly just for fun

 

[nawi]

hmm...a novel...nice ogi^^....keep 'em coming

and maybe you should put it on writing section man:>

 

[Kasumi]

First of all, this is just my opinion so please don't take it too seriously. ^^;

Good summary, I get the general outline of the story. As for the story itself I, can spot a few grammatical and punctuation errors but those are the minute details that would be fine-tuned much later on anyway and are not very important at this early stage. Good, consistent use of present tense. A pretty annoying trait of amateur writers is switching from using past and present tense that it becomes confusing to the reader (exception is when using a flashback element). You don't do that, that's good. Keep it up!

However, I would like to know the general writing style of this novel; is it going to be rather informal and interacts more with the reader or something slightly more deep and ingrained in the story? In the beginning, we see 'In my dreams, I see a kingdom.' This passage gives readers the feel of a slightly more formal writing style of a monologue, a bit like Twilight (ugh, I'm sorry, but that's the best example I can come up with). Later on though, we see 'Oh and don’t worry I'm not naked. I wear clothes to bed, I always have.' This indicates the main character is conversing directly with the reader; a breaking of the third wall. This writing style is more informal. These two writing styles clash and tend to hinder the flow of a story.

Also, there appears to be a lack of descriptive elements. You have done well to introduce the main character - just as he's waking up. And his sister as well. However, the reader is not told what either of the characters look like nor the appearance of the protagonist's room.

Nonetheless, you're doing good so far in putting the reader in the mind of the protagonist and getting them to hear out the whole story from his perspective. Keep going, I say.

 

[おぎくも]

thanks for the feedback it rlly helps i didnt even know about formal and informal writing so ill keep that in mind
as for the characters im goind to describe them in just a bit when i do plz let me know if it is satisfactory

 

[aexiel]

this should be in the creativity corner under writings, but I don't blame you. few people bother visiting the writings section while leaving it in the spam section will undoubtedly have it noticed.

Dai-mao? little sister? seriously? I'm not bashing or anything but ain't that a little too cliche?

I'll skip the grammar comments, there are minor errors in tenses but meh. they're minor.

First note, you need to describe the world more, by world, I mean every striking detail your MC sees. In the prologue, you could have used more descriptions of the place to make it more fantasy rather than just stating it was beautiful. Or rather you can emphasize feelings by describing how these feelings affect you as a person.

Just an example of what I'm trying to say,

"It had looked like it came straight from a story book. A vast expanse of land with points along the road marked by small quaint villages. A road that led to a majestic castle, with high study walls complete with ramparts and towers. It was a magnificent view, but I had a feeling that something terrible lies deep within this peaceful place. I can almost see the chains of despair twisting about every corner. It was later that I realized there is something I may soon regret."

Also

"After having her hopes crushed my sister mopes her way back down the stairs leading to my room and towards the dining room."

its a bit confusing, so it should be "After having her hopes crushed, my sister mopes her way back down the stairs away from my room and towards the dining room."

you also need to properly disclose the movements, actions, directions, and locations of the MC

 

[thecoins]

wow that's interesting...

 

[Decalcomania]

Interesting. I cannot read the whole thing today as I am in a rush, but I would suggest adding 'life' to the dialogue. For example, put 'he said' or 'she said', etc. at the end of the line. You can possibly add more by doing 'Blah blah blah', he said, 'Blah blah blah.'.

 

[おぎくも]

guh...so much i didnt think of...this is gonna be harder than i thought

the kingdom isnt really supposed to have a lot of detail at this point as its more of him seeing a premonition than an actual place

i know its cliche this is more of a practice one to see how i do so i decided it was best to start with something i know

ill try reworking some of the parts and post what i come up with~

 

[aexiel]

its good to start with something simple.

but why cosplay sita? it's cause she's a loli isn't it?

 

[おぎくも]

yes, yes it is

lolis banzai

 

[aexiel]

I'm an Iri fan but I like Rico best

 

[おぎくも]

i updated some of the story plz look if you have the time~

 

[aexiel]

Word of caution, sorry for being nit-picky, I was a former editor and this comes from force of habit. So I hope you don't take it in offence. XD

first is this part

"was a short girl whose name is Mayumi izanagi. She is a 14 year old girl with brown hair and a small ponytail at the back of her head and is wearing a skirt and hoodie as, unlike the high school section, the middle school section of our school doesn’t enforce the use of uniforms."

you should describe her as if you were introducing her to a blind person, like saying "...standing at my door was my pest of a sister Mayumi (note: do not introduce the surname until it is naturally used by someone outside of the family, this is from japanese custom), she's short for the age of 14 and wears her short brown hair in a ponytail (ponytails are ALWAYS at the back of the head) as I expected, she's already dressed up for school in a skirt and hoodie (though color would be nice to state)..."

The introduction of the MC's name looks forced, where's the follow up? it should be immediately followed by thoughts or dialogue about himself or his life. Also consider subject-verb agreement this line " a window next to the bed I was just sleeping on with no curtains" in particular. Which had no curtains? the window or the bed?

Again here

"On the back of both of the doors are mirrors looking at them I see a 17 year old boy wearing blue jeans and a white t-shirt with short black hair swept somewhat to the right side." This should follow immediately after you introduced his name but of course following the same comment as with the sister, describe as if talking to a blind person.

final note: some words could be better, in the uniform, I believe its trims not rims, trims accents in clothes. Then the uncle's smile is not made but gave.

 

[おぎくも]

thank you all for the advice its a huge help ive updated what ive currently made of the story i had to go to work so i wasnt able to do as much as i would have liked but i believe i was able to fix most mistakes

im a lil worried that im focusing too much on going back and fixing things too early on instead of just continuing the story tho

btw i read another novel to see if mine was following the right lines and i noticed that occasionally the large bits of text have large spaces in between and i was wondering if thats something i should be doing >.>?

 

[Ghost Kitty~]

Hmm time to shove this in a tab and read it later xD If i stop being productive now itll take forever for me to continue xD

 

[おぎくも]

lol dont shove it too hard okay wouldnt want to get it stuck

 

[aexiel]

you don't need to do the spaces thing. at least not in you're style anyway. Since its not in paragraph form why bother? yours is more like a storyboard type.

I suggest putting there as much as what you can then wait for the response, its a bit too counter productive if just update tidbits rather than whole slices

 

[Ghost Kitty~]

Hmm my thoughts as i read this-
That prologue thing at the start is a good mood setter? Or whatever its called~ Gives the reader a sense that there will be something happening which is related to the castle~ Could be a good base for a deep story since it has a mysterious feel~
Some of the words are too strong..
"On the right side of the room is a desk for when I do my studies and is covered in dust because I never use it." Hmm me thinks some change could make this sentence more... ironic? xD Anyhow the "and" could probably be but or although... though that would change the sentence a bit~
Hmm i dont think ill go line by line ;p Since my writing is different than youres ill just leave you to your choices~ Should i also assume missing commas are just laziness you will fix later?
"My uncle is a novelist who is actually quite a bit popular in some circles" That sort of bothers me... 'quite popular' would work fine~
Hmm sister... Rori /me runs~

 

[Kasumi]

Slightly better with descriptions but it could use some... sentence fusion, I like to call it. It looks like the thing is in point form in paragraph form right now though if that's intentional to give the main layout of the story then that's fine. :D

It seems to still be lacking some flow to me (though that's probably due to sentence structure which can be corrected later). Right now, I'd just like to say that the pace bothers me a little - it's going a tad too fast without really giving the reader enough time to relate to the characters (which is essential in first-person-view writing like this one). I suggest slowing down a little and adding some details here and there and Kazuto's thoughts and feelings about them. Remember, this is a first person POV so the five senses come into play in order to really portray the character and give him life - what does he smell? What does he sense/feel? Hear? See?

 

[おぎくも]

im gonna take a break from writing till monday i think
weekend is gonna be busy >.> ill try to implement a bit more detail into what hes feeling tho but it might be a bit difficult as im not quite sure what type of char i want him to be yet

btw i wrote some text doodle if you wnna look~ i plan on having pedobear make an appearance later on if i stick with it long enough lol

how i do that ull just have to wait and see~

 

[Ghost Kitty~]

Hmm... he seems like a somewhat... negative character atm ;p Kind of just seeing something wrong with everything~ Could always change his personality with the story?

 

[おぎくも]

no hes pretty much just that way hes halfway psychotic actually his father wanted him to go to a therapist as a child because he could see tell tale signs but his mother wouldnt hear of it

this is all to be explained later of course

 

[Ghost Kitty~]

Hmm sounds like this could be quite the serious story~ So he just sees the world differently than everyone else?

 

[おぎくも]

pretty much~ imagine looking through the eyes of someone who didnt even care if someone was getting killed in front of him or if a gun was pointed at him himself he would just be like "well....this sucks?"

 

[Ghost Kitty~]

Hmm or being the demon lord or whatnot somehow gave him the feeling that nothing was really going to happen even though it looked serious?